Lindsey, You Hardly Knew Ye

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As a rule, I don't assign gayness to somebody unless that person has confirmed it.

Except in the case of Lindsey Graham. I believe the Republican senator, who died suddenly last night at 71, was gayer than Liberace's candelabra.

Graham consistently denied being gay, and he did his home state of South Carolina proud by voting against queer rights early and often. After the Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage in 2015, Graham announced,"I am a proud defender of traditional marriage."

While thinking to himself, "As God is my witness, I shall find my Rhett Butler."

But the hypocrisy of "Lady G" in this arena actually bothers me less than what came later. While briefly chasing the 2016 Republican presidential nomination, Graham called Donald Trump a "race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot" and "unfit for office."

Turned out he was more right than he knew. But after Trump won the presidency, Graham performed a transformation that any drag queen would envy. He became Trump's adviser, golfing buddy, and robust defender. 

On the night of Jan. 6, 2021, after the attack on the Capitol, Graham announced dramatically on the Senate floor, "Count me out. Enough is enough." But that was the adrenaline talking, and the senator soon returned to Yorkshire Terrier status.

Trump has ordered that flags be flown at half-staff this week. He said Graham "was like a member of the family to me."

If that's not the sorriest epitaph I've ever heard, I'm a palmetto tree.